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World’s Reactions to New EIB Policies: Planet’s Poorest, Wealthiest, Most Murderously Dictatorial comment the EIB Changes

The various constituencies affected by the new development policies of the European Investment Bank reacted in a range of ways today to the announcement that the EIB would be moving away from its traditional large-scale, heavy impact model to a focus on smaller, more popularly owned, sustainable investment. However, there was one common overriding theme: confusion.

Charles Muamba, citizen of Mozutu

In Mozutu, where the EIB has consistently backed massive open-scale mining and oil projects, affected citizen Charles Muamba flinched and took cover behind a tree when asked to comment, before insisting that he really couldn’t say anything until the military arrived. “I just won’t be comfortable talking to you people until I feel the reassuring touch of a Western-made machine gun pistol bought by my government with ‘aid’ money at the back of my neck, you know? It sorta helps me concentrate. Otherwise every time I have to go through one of these consultation charades, I forget my lines about how happy I am.”

When informed that the EIB genuinely wanted to solicit his opinion on the new small-scale, locally owned solar power network it intends to fund in the area, Muamba laughed dismissively and noted that his cousin Patrice was told the same thing about the colossal copper mine that swallowed his village a few years ago, and that his widow and children would very much like to have his body back if at all possible. Handed documents showing that the solar project would in fact bring affordable electricity to his village, which currently receives no power as all of Mozutu’s hydroelectricity goes to the mining sector to fund export of cheap raw materials to the West, Muamba simply stared into the distance, his eyes slowly filling with tears.

His Most Honourable Excellency Glorious Leader Son of God Thiamotswe II

At the luxurious palace, made entirely of leopard skins, rubies and the bones and skulls of his former cabinet ministers, of Mozutu’s ruler His Most Honourable Excellency Glorious Leader Son of God Thiamotswe II, equal confusion reigned. “Gold bars is fine. Barrels of oil is OK too, although I don’t think my Zurich vault has enough space—what do you mean, ask the people if they want the huge destructive diamond mine?” Thiamotswe inquired on his personal rhino horn mobile phone. “I did ask the people, two years ago, when they re-elected me dictator for life with 107% of the popular vote. Even dead people turned out to vote for me that day! I haven’t got enough time or, frankly, enough bullets to go through that again.”

Informed of the new arrangements as regards development in his country, Thiamotswe seemed rather hurt and personally offended. “Philippe, Philippe, Philippe. How many years have we been doing this? Not just you and me but our predecessors and our predecessors’ predecessors. You talk about development and empowerment and making my country a functional democracy while you rip open our economy and rob us blind of our natural resources. I play the crazy dictator who you can ultimately blame everything on because of ‘bad governance.’ The model’s been working fine since the nineteenth century—if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, know what I’m saying? Nadine says hi, by the way.”

John Stephens: Replaceable Corporate Whore no. 37521

At the enormous glass and steel headquarters of GreenLight Plc, the giant energy conglomerate formerly known as DestructoCo, a faceless corporate drone expressed equal reservations. “Nobody cares more than us about the wellbeing of southern economies. After all, who has a bigger stake in an economy than the people making money out of it?” said Infinitely Replaceable Corporate Whore no. 37521, whose mother calls him John Stephens. “People have this old-fashioned, anachronistic idea that just because a group of people, by pure accident of birth, happen to be born on top of a set of natural resources, that those resources somehow ‘belong’ to them.”

“But think about it for one second. If those people are too dirt poor or dumb to do anything with those resources, then do they really deserve to keep them? Use them or lose them. Whereas people like us, who don’t have to do anything in these places, who travel from really far away and often have to build hotels and roads just to visit, we do something with those resources. We take them and make vast profits. I mean, at least somebody’s making money. That is the point here, right? And the EIB appreciates, or at least used to appreciate, that. Why do you think their economic analysis focuses on bottom line economic growth on paper and doesn’t consider the distributional effect of who really benefits?”

Informed that popular opinion was turning against the new corporate imperialism, Corporate Whore 37521 narrowed his eyes, inquired which newspaper was doing this interview and placed an immediate call to the mergers and acquisitions department.